![]() So we know the right attitude and how to behave. (To learn the 4 secrets to reading body language like an expert, click here.) Don’t play it cool. I like to frame it in my mind as: “How would I act if I had wanted to meet this person for a long time and finally got the opportunity?” Meanwhile mistrust can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we’re socially optimistic and expect others to like us, they often do. Research shows that how you go into a conversation often determines the result. Why? They went out of their way to be nice to you. And when you feel awkward at the party you want to cling to them. To make sure you are introduced to others, that you have a drink and are comfortable. They put in effort to make you feel welcome. Why? When you’re on a first date you put more effort in. We get lazy. Research shows that couples enjoy time together more when they pretend it’s their first date. Making an effort sounds obvious but we just don’t do it. If it can make racists come off better, imagine what it can do for you. But do put in some effort when meeting others. If you think I’m encouraging or condoning racism you’re insane. We tested the hypothesis that, ironically, Blacks perceive White interaction partners who are more racially biased more positively than less biased White partners, primarily because the former group must make more of an effort to control racial bias than the latter. So research shows, believe it or not, racists often make a better first impression: So they put in the effort that many of us don’t when interacting with others. Racists often have to pretend to not be racist. But how should we act? And what error do we commonly make in our behavior? Well, to get this right, we need to take a lesson from… Would you believe me if I said “racists”? So we know what’s important and the right attitude to take. (To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.) ![]() ![]() So to be charming, think less about being impressive, more about being warm, and more about whether the other person feels like they’re performing well. Whereas, the less familiar the other person, the more trivial the topic, the likelier we are to rate the experience by our own performance. Research has found that with a serious topic or a good friend, we measure a conversation’s success by how enthralled we were by what the other person said. Like you, they are more focused on whether they’re screwing up. Moreover, when meeting someone new, studies show people are unlikely to judge the interaction by how interesting you are. ![]() So what’s the most important thing to do when it comes to being seen as warm? Former head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program, Robin Dreeke, says it’s as simple as smiling more. You want to be in the right hand column, not the left. We’ll take a lovable moron over a competent jerk more often than not.īeing perceived as an idiot shouldn’t be your biggest fear - being seen as cold should. And the more important quality is warmth. Harvard research shows 80% of our judgments about people come down to warmth and competence. But if you’re trying to be charming, that is a terrible idea… So often we try to impress them by appearing competent. We’re afraid of looking like an idiot when we first meet someone new. And, to add to that, once those impressions are set, experts say they’re exceedingly hard to change.Īnd that is downright scary. You know how people always say first impressions are oh-so-important? A good body of research shows they’re right. And, amazingly, we get it wrong almost every time… It’s how others judge you and how you judge others. Let’s start with the most fundamental dynamic in how people evaluate one another. And what a beautiful beast it is. We’re going to pull together the research from many, many… well, far too many sources and create our own little Charm School here on the interwebz. I’ve covered how to be sexy and cool but charming, well, that’s a whole ‘nother beast. Is there a more enviable quality? We’d hate charming people if we didn’t love them so much. To check it out, click here.īeing charming. Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller.
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